asha.

my heart aches.

ever since i got the call last week, i’ve been in a daze. one of the first thoughts that hit me—and it shocked me my mind even went there—was: she won’t be at my wedding. i don’t even think about weddings, so for my mind to go there really threw me off. but it also snapped me into reality: someday in my future, when i’m starting a new chapter, she won’t be there. she won’t be there with her huge smile and those big, bright eyes.

i’ve never been much of a phone person. i rarely call anyone. hell, my best friends and i don’t even talk on the phone—like, at all. we barely text, and if we do facetime, it’s almost always scheduled. it’s not because i don’t love them; i do. i just live in the moment. whoever’s in front of me gets my full attention. when i visit people, including my closest friends, i’m never on my phone. i’m all in, focused on making memories that’ll last until we see each other again.

that’s just how i’ve always been—fully present. as i got older, i realized i don’t half-ass anything. last year, one of my friends visited me in nyc and brought along a friend i’d never met. that night, the new friend cried because i asked her questions she wished the people closest to her would have cared enough to ask. my friend said, “this is why i bring people around you—you make a stranger feel seen and remind them of their worth by being fully invested in getting to know them.”

that stuck with me. it’s become my advice to anyone who asks: don’t half-ass anything. full-heart it.

if you love your job, give it your all every day. if you just started dating someone and want to spend all your time with them, do it. if you’re hanging out with your best friend every night, soak it up. if you’re visiting someone, truly focus on spending time with them. nothing is guaranteed—the job you love could let you go without a moment’s notice. the person you’re dating could wake up tomorrow and want someone else. your best friend could decide to move across the country. and someone might not be alive for you to visit again. so while it’s in front of you, be obsessed with it.

that’s how i was with her when she came into my life through her boyfriend, now husband. oh, she fit right in. i can’t even remember what it was like hanging out with just him anymore. i’ve known him since i was 14, but i only met her when i was 29—and yet now, it’s just them for me.

the times we spent together were always short but always deep. from celebrating my 30th birthday in nyc, to hiking in nevada, to showing up at a falcons game just to say hi while i was in town—where, instead of watching the game, we just caught up for hours.

i thought i was keeping it together, even at the funeral. but today, i broke. over the stupidest thing, too. i pulled up instagram for work, and somehow my dms with her popped up. i hesitated, but of course, i clicked on it. i started reading our old conversations, and it hit me: i’m never going to message her again. i’m never going to get to praise her for how fit she’s getting, tell her how jealous i am of all her hikes, or recommend books for her to read. i’m never going to get those random messages from her.

she’s gone.

damn, asha. you were one of the good ones. you were here for such a short time, but the impact you made is going to last forever. and i wish i could have been just a little more obsessed with you while you were here. but i’ll hold onto the memories we made.

for now, you get your rest. i already knew it, but your funeral confirmed it: you did way too much good while you were here. so you deserve your rest. until our next adventure, sweet, sweet girl. we’ve got so much more about life to discuss, so many more books to review, and so many dunes to roll down together.

asha, i hope you know how loved you were.